Happy 7th Birthday!

7 years ago today we were at the Hospital full of hope that our sweet little girl was truly the miracle we believed her to be.  We were told she wouldn't cry when born - she did; we were told she would have multiple broken bones (ribs, legs, etc) when born - she didn't; we were told she didn't have Osteogenesis Imperfecta after all (as was diagnosed during my pregnancy) ... What better news was there !?!?!!!  What we DIDN'T know was the roller coaster ride of emotion we would be on the next few days, weeks, years.

As you all already know, Bailey ended up having a disease far worse than OI.  She passed away 2 days later from Thanatophoric Dysplasia. 
You have all read the series of events leading up to this and the experiences that followed.
What I haven't shared as much of in the past is the sadness I feel when I think about what I am missing.

What would my sweet girl look like today?  Would her hair have stayed the black it was when she was born or lightened like her brothers?  Would she be a "girly girl" taking dance from her "other Mother" Randi or would she be a "Tom Boy" playing football with her brothers?  Would she be full of mischief like Caleb or calm and loving like Parker?  These are things I long to know. 

I am so very grateful for the time I did have with her but I wonder every day "what could've been". 

There are so many people that lose Children. People ask us how we "handle it so well".  What our family has learned is that life lessons come from HOW you handle challenges.  Everybody has them and more will come.  Does that mean we don't miss her?  That we don't love her?  NO WAY!  I still cry my share of tears at very inopportune moments.  It just means that we know that we have each other to love here and that, someday, we will hug our sweet Bailey once again.

I have been told how "lucky" I am that she passed away so young. To this I can honestly say I am not sure "lucky" is the right word.  True, we didn't have as long to become "attached" to her.  We don't have as many memories of things we did together.  But that, actually, can be even harder - the fact that we have no memories other than sitting next to her in the NICU wondering if she even knew who we were.

We had many issues with infertility, bad luck with adoption, and were so very happy to have our Bailey - we had plenty of time to become "attached" and she is still our daughter and Sister.

To those of you that are always so kind to remember our baby - I know I have said this before but THANK YOU!  It is always so awkward when people ask how many Children we have.  We don't want to exclude her but it can make people uncomfortable when we say we have 3 but only have 2 with us.  Thank you to those of you that allow us to freely talk about our only daughter and for remembering that she truly did exist!

We love you all so much!

Happy Birthday my sweet Bailey Grace.  I love you and miss you every day of my life!

Mommy

Missing you, as always, my sweet baby girl.  <3 you!  Mommy

Happy Easter!

Thinking of you lots - as always. I love you sweet Bailey. We missed you.

Merry Christmas

Merry Christmas, my sweet little Bai! I made sure you got your Christmas present before Christmas morning. It was late late at night on Christmas Eve and pouring rain but I got it there. I will visit again this week. I love you so much. I missed having you with us on Christmas morning but I thought of you often. You know how much we all love you.
Celebrate with all of your angel friends in Heaven and watch over all of us that love you.
That's the best we can do - until we are together again.
Love you!

Football and Fall

Hi my beautiful little Angel.
It's Fall again and I sure have a hard time with my missing you. Maybe it's because it's Football season and I remember how much I had looked forward to dressing you up in your team gear and having you as a cheerleading buddy at your big Brothers games. Or maybe I just get reminded of how supportive Parkers football team was when you came and then left us so soon. I will never erase the picture from my mind of those awesome 8 year old boys standing around you at your viewing while Parker proudly showed them his little Sister. What an awesome team we had to help us through those weeks. Or maybe it's simply because your birthday is approaching.
Whatever the reason, I miss you so incredibly much, Bai.
There will be no birthday party, no pretty dresses and bows or cute little dolls to unwrap. There will be no princesses or fairy costumes at Halloween time.
What I do have, though, are dreams of what might have been and knowing that one day, it will be.
I love you, Bai. I think of you every day.
Keep cheering with me from Heaven.
Daddy, Mommy, and your brothers never forget you!
Mommy

A Few Questions

Another song that I love!
Everyone must face challenges .. we all just get different ones. No matter what we are given to face, we need to remember there are others out there going through things just as tough.
Our trials are chosen for us by someone who knows we can make it through them and we can't give up.

JUST A FEW QUESTIONS
(Ray Scott/Phillip Moore/Adam Wheeler, sung by Clay Walker)

How in this world can we put a man on the moon,
And still have a need for a place like St Jude's?
And why is one man born,
In a place where all they know is war?
An' a guy like me,
Has always been free.

An' how can two people who built a lovin' home,
Try for years an' never have a child of their own?
When somewhere out there tonight,
There's a baby no-one's holdin' tight:
In need of love.
To me, that don't add up.

But I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticize what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

An' why did my cousin have to die in that crash?
A good kid, only seventeen, I still wonder 'bout that.
It seems unfair to me,
Some get the chance to chase their dreams,
An' some don't.
But what do I know?

I wasn't there the day you filled up the oceans.
I didn't get to see you hang the stars in the sky.
So I don't mean to second guess you,
Or criticize what I don't understand.
These are just a few questions I have.

Why do I feel like you hear these prayers of mine.
When so many oughta be ahead of me in line?
When you look down on me,
Can you see the good through all the bad?
These just a few questions I have.

Glory Baby

GLORY BABY
by Christy and Nathan Nockels

Glory baby, you slipped away
As fast as we could say baby, baby
You were growing, what happened dear
You disappeared on us baby, baby

Heaven will hold you before we do
Heaven will keep you safe
Until we're home with you
Until we're home with you

We miss you everday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until Mom and Dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do

Sweet little baby, it's hard to understand it
'Cause we are hurting, we are hurting
But there is healing, and we know we're stronger people
Through the growing, and in knowing

All things work together for our good
And God works his purposes
Just like he said he would
Just like he said he would

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until Mom and Dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heavne before we do

I can't imagine heaven's lullabies
And what they must sound like
But I will rest in knowing
Heaven is your home
And it's all you'll ever know
All you'll ever know

We miss you everyday, miss you in every way
But we know there's a day when we will hold you, we will hold you
And you'll kiss our tears away, when we're home to stay
We can't wait for the day when we will see you, we will see you
But baby let sweet Jesus hold you, until Mom and Dad can hold you
You'll just have heaven before we do
You'll just have heaven before we do
Yeah, you'll just have heaven before we do
Before we do


We love you, Bailey! Watch over your Brothers until we meet again.