Friday, October 2, 2015

Happy 7th Birthday!

7 years ago today we were at the Hospital full of hope that our sweet little girl was truly the miracle we believed her to be.  We were told she wouldn't cry when born - she did; we were told she would have multiple broken bones (ribs, legs, etc) when born - she didn't; we were told she didn't have Osteogenesis Imperfecta after all (as was diagnosed during my pregnancy) ... What better news was there !?!?!!!  What we DIDN'T know was the roller coaster ride of emotion we would be on the next few days, weeks, years.

As you all already know, Bailey ended up having a disease far worse than OI.  She passed away 2 days later from Thanatophoric Dysplasia. 
You have all read the series of events leading up to this and the experiences that followed.
What I haven't shared as much of in the past is the sadness I feel when I think about what I am missing.

What would my sweet girl look like today?  Would her hair have stayed the black it was when she was born or lightened like her brothers?  Would she be a "girly girl" taking dance from her "other Mother" Randi or would she be a "Tom Boy" playing football with her brothers?  Would she be full of mischief like Caleb or calm and loving like Parker?  These are things I long to know. 
I am so very grateful for the time I did have with her but I wonder every day "what could've been". 

There are so many people that lose Children. People ask us how we "handle it so well".  What our family has learned is that life lessons come from HOW you handle challenges.  Everybody has them and more will come.  Does that mean we don't miss her?  That we don't love her?  NO WAY!  I still cry my share of tears at very inopportune moments.  It just means that we know that we have each other to love here and that, someday, we will hug our sweet Bailey once again.

I have been told how "lucky" I am that she passed away so young. To this I can honestly say I am not sure "lucky" is the right word.  True, we didn't have as long to become "attached" to her.  We don't have as many memories of things we did together.  But that, actually, can be even harder - the fact that we have no memories other than sitting next to her in the NICU wondering if she even knew who we were.
We had many issues with infertility, bad luck with adoption, and were so very happy to have our Bailey - we had plenty of time to become "attached" and she is still our daughter and Sister.

To those of you that are always so kind to remember our baby - I know I have said this before but THANK YOU!  It is always so awkward when people ask how many Children we have.  We don't want to exclude her but it can make people uncomfortable when we say we have 3 but only have 2 with us.  Thank you to those of you that allow us to freely talk about our only daughter and for remembering that she truly did exist!

We love you all so much!

Happy Birthday my sweet Bailey Grace.  I love you and miss you every day of my life!