Tuesday, January 27, 2009

Continued blogging

Hi everyone!
Some may think it is weird that I am still updating this blog now and then. I had every intention of closing the blog when Bailey passed away. However, I want to share with you the reasons I have not done that.

Throughout the course of Bailey's Journey, I was referred to many many blogs created by Moms who have lost their little ones. They belong to an awesome category of women that I, regretfully, get to be a part of. We are "Angel Mommies". Although it is not a group that I would have chosen to be part of, it is a "title" that I now have that I will do everything I can to make the best of. Because of this, I want to be a strength to other people who find themselves in similar situations to those that I found myself in over the last year - the fear of what will come of your "sick" baby, coping with a roller coaster ride of ups and downs with your baby, or the death of your sweet, sweet baby. The many blogs that I have been directed to throughout our experiences have been such a strength to me. They have shown me that "life can go on" and helped me realize that I am completely normal and the feelings I have - good and bad - are feelings that everyone has when they are dealing with their grief. Not only did they provide me strength during the roller coaster ride and Bailey's eventual death but I still go to them often - when I need to remember that it is ok to be sad ... and .. it is ok to be happy.
I have had so many people contact me after they have been directed to our blog. Everyone has their own reasons. Everyone has their own challenges. And everyone has their own situation. If our blog can help just one person know that they are "normal" and that we have been through the things they are going through and we are making it, then I want it to do that! This is one of the main reasons that I will continue on with Bailey's Journey.

I also truly believe that through sharing my thoughts and feelings to help others see how we deal with things (or don't deal with them in some cases), I help myself heal, in a sense.
I need to be able to share my feelings. I need to talk about Bailey. She is my daughter. She is a part of our family. We didn't go through all we went through - the decisions, the preparation, the pain, the worry - for nothing. A very dear friend of mine who is also an "Angel Mommy" gave me some very good advice. She told me that if she didn't recognize her baby who had passed away then "it was all for naught." I have never forgotten that and I never will. People are often times very uncomfortable talking about Bailey to us. I understand why and I do my best to make sure that they know that it is ok and that they don't have to be nervous about it. But, still, there are days when I don't want to make them feel better. I want them to make me feel better. Again .. something I need to get through but something that it helps to be able to "blog" about.

These are the main reasons that I feel like I want to continue to blog. I would love to have you continue to follow Baileys Journey with us. Of course I had planned to continue her blog to update everyone on her progress as she grew bigger and stronger. That wasn't meant to be. However, as many of you know, our beautiful little girl - Bailey Grace Blake - touched the lives of hundreds and hundreds of people even before she was born. She was loved more than any newborn that I know. Good things came from her experiences - to our family and friends. We have seen the proof! I want to continue the good that she has already spread and I will do this by helping others with sharing our thoughts as we grieve and grow from her passing.

We love you all! Thanks for everything you have done - and continue to do - for us!

Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hawaii trip

Last week we went on a great trip to Hawaii with Chris's work. It was really nice to get away from the cold, cold winter here in Utah and spend some time with good friends. The trip was planned quite some time ago - before I even knew I was pregnant with Bailey. Therefore, when we found out that Bailey was coming we decided we would just take her with us since she would still be so young. Then, as the pregnancy progressed and we found out about the potential problems with Bailey (thinking that she had OI), we made arrangements and figured out the best way to travel with her and her potential medical equipment. I was so looking forward to spending some alone time with my little girl. (Chris golfs and I hang out at the pool - Bailey would be my pool buddy. *smile*)
As the time neared for the trip and Bailey had passed away, I continued to look forward to the trip - some time for just Chris and I. However, the closer it came, the more anxious I became. Apparently, I am having some major separation anxiety from Parker and Caleb. It isn't that I didn't think that they would be well taken care of. I KNEW they were in good hands. And it wasn't that I thought I could take care of them better than anyone else. Nothing like that .. I just don't want to be away from them. I am not 100% sure but I am attributing it to the fact that I lost my little girl - I don't want to be away from my boys, too. Silly, I know. But something I am dealing with. I have even had some issues sending Parker to school. I kept telling myself that that was because he was struggling so much emotionally and I felt I needed to "protect" him. However, he is doing better but I still have those feelings. *SIGH* Will I EVER feel "normal" again?
In addition to my worries about leaving the boys came my sadness at missing Bailey while in Hawaii. My thoughts kept wandering to "I would be snuggling Bailey here on the beach" or "I wonder if she would like the water", etc, etc. No matter how I tried, I couldn't keep my thoughts from straying to the time I should be spending with her. Then there was the baby on the Beach with her Mommy, Daddy, and big Brother. She was adorable in her sun bonnet and little sundress. She was barely learning to sit up and she was giggling and cooing happily. I asked her Mom how old she was and, as I had guessed, she was 4 months old - just a little older than my Bailey would be. Again, I know these things will get easier/better with time but it is still so hard to see little girls - I was so looking forward to dressing my baby Bailey in her cute little dresses and putting her cute little bows in her hair.

Don't get me wrong - we LOVED our trip and had a very enjoyable time. We are so very blessed that we were able to go. With all of the struggles we are still having financially due to the medical expenses, funeral expenses, etc there is very little money left for us to do things together so it was a VERY welcome vacation. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Allied, for the paid vacation. It meant so much to us!
Life CAN go on - even with ups and downs - and, luckily, the downs are getting fewer.

Tuesday, January 6, 2009

Hello, Bailey

Hello, my pretty little girl.

It is snowing outside again today and I keep thinking about how I would love to have you here to snuggle with. You would still be too little to go out and play in the snow with your brothers but it would be so fun to be able to bundle you up in your warm winter jammies and take you out to watch them. Instead, we all bundle up to come and visit your grave.

I imagine you would be starting to giggle and smile by now. I remember those days with your brothers and how much joy it brought to hear them gurgle and giggle and make all those happy baby sounds.
There is not a day that goes by that I don't think of what stages you would be in ... what you would be learning to do .. and how happy I would be to watch you reach those milestones.

I know that there is a reason that you are not here with me, Bailey. One day I will know what that reason is. But, meanwhile, I miss you so much. I love you my little "Bailey Bai".