Things are looking up ...

As many of you know, I tried to get Parker into some counseling shortly after Bailey died only to be told that all of the groups that we had been referred to had LONG (like over a year long) waiting lists. I put him on all of them and decided that I would work with him on my own. It seemed to be working .. for the most part. However, as you know from my last post ... it seems that the "Mom counseling" isn't working as well as I thought. Because of this I decided to go back to trying to get him into some additional programs. I just told myself I was going to do it if I had to drive somewhere and walk in and sit there until I could talk to someone (I've had trouble getting people to return calls). Well .. I think we have some really good leads for some counselors. I talked to a few on the phone who were VERY helpful and anxious to see him. They emailed me a whole bunch of info and he will start seeing them one on one until the next group session starts. Also, we have applied to several different locations of "Camp Erin" for this Summer and he is SO excited. Last, but not least, we also met with the School Counselor to let her know what was going on and she is going to meet with him once a week until School is out for the Summer just to check in with him and see if he needs to talk about anything. (He had his first appointment with her on Thursday - I had forgotten - and he came home from School with the biggest smile on his face and telling me how great his day was! First time THAT has happened in a LONG time! YAY!)
Phew! What a relief! It has taken time but maybe I will get my happy boy back again after all. I sure miss his smiles.
I love you, Parker!

For those of you that are looking for resources for the siblings of your Angel, here are links to a few that we have worked with or looked into:
* Caring Connections - University of Utah College of Nursing http://nursing.utah.edu/practice/caringconnections/index.html
* The Sharing Place http://www.thesharingplace.org/
* Camp Erin http://www.camperin.org

Bad Day

Well, this is another one of those posts that you write but don't post and then you reread it and still don't post and then you wait some more and then finally decide to post. Why? Because putting yourself and your emotions out there is SCARY! However, I have said before that it was reading others blogs about their bad days and their "not so perfect" lives that make me realize that things are ok and it is ok to not be "perfect" and so ... I will do the same for others.

This past week was the worst week I have had since Bailey died. Nothing in particular and no special anniversary or date .. just a bad week. Everything I did I thought about her, I kept looking at her picture and seeing how beautiful she was and wondering what she would look like now and what she would be doing now. And, most of all, the biggest thing that is really, really bothering me .. does she even know who I am? Does she know I am her Mommy and that I love her so very much?!?!?!!
I know that I will be with my sweet Bailey again someday and I tell my boys all the time that she loves them and is watching over them. However, does she really know who we are? I mean .. she was only alive for 2 1/2 days and, during that time, she never even opened her eyes and looked at me. How can she know me? How can she know I am her Mommy? I know she knew my voice. I carried her for 9 months and I know she recognized my voice because she would turn her head when I would talk to her in the NICU but, still, how can she love me?

To top off the week of sadness and tears - on the plane on the way home on Friday I sat with a lady with an adorable little girl on one side (yes, I asked how old she was and yes, she was just a little younger than Bailey would be) and a girl who looked about 7 months pregnant on the other. Normally I deal with this ok. However, the little girl absolutely LOVED me .. and she was ADORABLE! She kept wanting to play with me. She kept reaching for me. She kept talking and smiling at me. This is a good thing, right? Not when I am having one of "those" days. I loved her and sat there with tears streaming as I watched her - so very cute! (Again, one of those "I don't want to ruin her day" things so I am sure she wondered why I was crying while looking at her little girl. No, lady, I am not psycho .. I PROMISE!)
Fast forward to landing .. I turn on my cell phone to check for messages between flights and it starts ringing the second I turn it on. It was Parker's School. Sparing you all the details let's just say that he had a "Bailey meltdown" at School. Apparently it was a bad week for him, as well. He has had his moments in the past but I really thought that he was getting better. However, this one was pretty bad to the point that the Teacher was quite upset. Parker said some pretty disturbing things and really just broke down and started crying and acting out and all I could think of was how could I get home faster than by plane!!!!

All in all, we all had a bad week. Granted, I had been out of town for two weeks for work and Chris had to go for 2 days this week, as well. My boys were taken very well care of by family and they LOVE them. But change is hard for all of us. I guess we had enough over the last year - we like our lives to stay the same now ... so we can predict and "own" what happens.
Things will get better .. I know this. But it is so hard. Hard to always be positive and say that everything will be ok. On top of me trying to deal with my own feelings I need to protect my boys. How can I help Parker when he is on the "waiting list" at 3 different counseling agencies and has been since last October? How can I help him when I have to be out of town for work to pay the mountain of bills that we have accumulated? How can I help him when I can't even help myself?
It will get better .. and we will have good posts soon! :)