Saturday, May 2, 2009

Bad Day

Well, this is another one of those posts that you write but don't post and then you reread it and still don't post and then you wait some more and then finally decide to post. Why? Because putting yourself and your emotions out there is SCARY! However, I have said before that it was reading others blogs about their bad days and their "not so perfect" lives that make me realize that things are ok and it is ok to not be "perfect" and so ... I will do the same for others.

This past week was the worst week I have had since Bailey died. Nothing in particular and no special anniversary or date .. just a bad week. Everything I did I thought about her, I kept looking at her picture and seeing how beautiful she was and wondering what she would look like now and what she would be doing now. And, most of all, the biggest thing that is really, really bothering me .. does she even know who I am? Does she know I am her Mommy and that I love her so very much?!?!?!!
I know that I will be with my sweet Bailey again someday and I tell my boys all the time that she loves them and is watching over them. However, does she really know who we are? I mean .. she was only alive for 2 1/2 days and, during that time, she never even opened her eyes and looked at me. How can she know me? How can she know I am her Mommy? I know she knew my voice. I carried her for 9 months and I know she recognized my voice because she would turn her head when I would talk to her in the NICU but, still, how can she love me?

To top off the week of sadness and tears - on the plane on the way home on Friday I sat with a lady with an adorable little girl on one side (yes, I asked how old she was and yes, she was just a little younger than Bailey would be) and a girl who looked about 7 months pregnant on the other. Normally I deal with this ok. However, the little girl absolutely LOVED me .. and she was ADORABLE! She kept wanting to play with me. She kept reaching for me. She kept talking and smiling at me. This is a good thing, right? Not when I am having one of "those" days. I loved her and sat there with tears streaming as I watched her - so very cute! (Again, one of those "I don't want to ruin her day" things so I am sure she wondered why I was crying while looking at her little girl. No, lady, I am not psycho .. I PROMISE!)
Fast forward to landing .. I turn on my cell phone to check for messages between flights and it starts ringing the second I turn it on. It was Parker's School. Sparing you all the details let's just say that he had a "Bailey meltdown" at School. Apparently it was a bad week for him, as well. He has had his moments in the past but I really thought that he was getting better. However, this one was pretty bad to the point that the Teacher was quite upset. Parker said some pretty disturbing things and really just broke down and started crying and acting out and all I could think of was how could I get home faster than by plane!!!!

All in all, we all had a bad week. Granted, I had been out of town for two weeks for work and Chris had to go for 2 days this week, as well. My boys were taken very well care of by family and they LOVE them. But change is hard for all of us. I guess we had enough over the last year - we like our lives to stay the same now ... so we can predict and "own" what happens.
Things will get better .. I know this. But it is so hard. Hard to always be positive and say that everything will be ok. On top of me trying to deal with my own feelings I need to protect my boys. How can I help Parker when he is on the "waiting list" at 3 different counseling agencies and has been since last October? How can I help him when I have to be out of town for work to pay the mountain of bills that we have accumulated? How can I help him when I can't even help myself?
It will get better .. and we will have good posts soon! :)


Hagen's said...

Sorry you had such a hard week! How can we help? I will get that counslers name for you.
Love You All!

Lars said...

You are helping. Healing takes lots of time. You are doing what is humanly possible.

The Garside Clan said...

Love you Jenn!

Anonymous said...

Of course Bailey knows who you are. I know you know this but I felt moved to share this thought with you. You carried her for 9 months and she was with you on earth for 2 1/2 days but when did you start loving her? Did you love her when you first saw her, did you love her when she was in your womb or did you love her before you even thought about conceiving her? When you answer that question you will know when she loved you. And if that isn't enough peace imagine the moment you had her. You didn't even have to see her to love her absolutely and perfectly. She loves you and knew you long before any of these struggles happened. She loves you for giving her the opportunity to have a body and to live with you eternally. She is just as anxious to see you again as you are to see her. She can't wait to have all those mommy/daughter moments with you in the most special place ever (Heaven). I love you Jenn, you are the most amazing woman.