Tuesday, January 20, 2009

Hawaii trip

Last week we went on a great trip to Hawaii with Chris's work. It was really nice to get away from the cold, cold winter here in Utah and spend some time with good friends. The trip was planned quite some time ago - before I even knew I was pregnant with Bailey. Therefore, when we found out that Bailey was coming we decided we would just take her with us since she would still be so young. Then, as the pregnancy progressed and we found out about the potential problems with Bailey (thinking that she had OI), we made arrangements and figured out the best way to travel with her and her potential medical equipment. I was so looking forward to spending some alone time with my little girl. (Chris golfs and I hang out at the pool - Bailey would be my pool buddy. *smile*)
As the time neared for the trip and Bailey had passed away, I continued to look forward to the trip - some time for just Chris and I. However, the closer it came, the more anxious I became. Apparently, I am having some major separation anxiety from Parker and Caleb. It isn't that I didn't think that they would be well taken care of. I KNEW they were in good hands. And it wasn't that I thought I could take care of them better than anyone else. Nothing like that .. I just don't want to be away from them. I am not 100% sure but I am attributing it to the fact that I lost my little girl - I don't want to be away from my boys, too. Silly, I know. But something I am dealing with. I have even had some issues sending Parker to school. I kept telling myself that that was because he was struggling so much emotionally and I felt I needed to "protect" him. However, he is doing better but I still have those feelings. *SIGH* Will I EVER feel "normal" again?
In addition to my worries about leaving the boys came my sadness at missing Bailey while in Hawaii. My thoughts kept wandering to "I would be snuggling Bailey here on the beach" or "I wonder if she would like the water", etc, etc. No matter how I tried, I couldn't keep my thoughts from straying to the time I should be spending with her. Then there was the baby on the Beach with her Mommy, Daddy, and big Brother. She was adorable in her sun bonnet and little sundress. She was barely learning to sit up and she was giggling and cooing happily. I asked her Mom how old she was and, as I had guessed, she was 4 months old - just a little older than my Bailey would be. Again, I know these things will get easier/better with time but it is still so hard to see little girls - I was so looking forward to dressing my baby Bailey in her cute little dresses and putting her cute little bows in her hair.

Don't get me wrong - we LOVED our trip and had a very enjoyable time. We are so very blessed that we were able to go. With all of the struggles we are still having financially due to the medical expenses, funeral expenses, etc there is very little money left for us to do things together so it was a VERY welcome vacation. Thank you, thank you, thank you, Allied, for the paid vacation. It meant so much to us!
Life CAN go on - even with ups and downs - and, luckily, the downs are getting fewer.

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