Tuesday, December 2, 2008

2 Months

Today was the 2 month anniversary of Bailey's birth. It has been a very rough couple of days at our house. Parker came home from school the other day and told me that he never wanted to leave home because he is afraid that if he leaves that the rest of his family will die, Chris was mad at the World because he lost his precious baby daughter. He told me he has a hole in his heart and he doesn't know how to fix it. Unfortunately, neither do I. Meanwhile, I miss my darling daughter immensely. I was supposed to be able to shop for her this Christmas, to buy "girly" things, to have my baby to celebrate the Holidays. I have to keep telling myself - and reminding my family - Angels abound at Christmas time and we have our own.

Sorry to be such a "downer" but I felt that it was important to make sure that even the "bad days" are documented now and then. I have received so many emails from other Parents that have lost Children telling me that they read our blog often. I think people need to know that it is normal and ok to hurt. (At least this is what I am told.) Although our family really does try to be strong and has done fairly well, we recognize there are going to be those "bad days" too.

After having my long talk with Parker after school the other afternoon, he indicated that he needed to go see Bailey. I have never taken him back to the cemetary since the graveside service. I go weekly but usually go alone. We had already planned to go as a family next week to take a little Christmas Tree to put on her grave but he said he couldn't wait. As we were talking he kept saying "I just need to see her" and I realized that I probably needed to make it clear that he wouldn't see her in person. He said that he realized that and told me that he just needed to see her name or something. (Unfortunately we haven't had enough money to purchase a headstone yet but I did have the funeral home make us a temporary marker which is there - phew!) Anyway - we drove over and Parker had a talk with his Sister. He then talked to Bailey's "friend" (the grave next to her is a baby boy who died at 5 days old). Little did I know that he was going to "bring them home" with us. Once we had gotten back in the car to head home he started talking to both of them. Yes, it is very disturbing to me when he does this (he has done it a couple of times) but I have been told that it is normal for him to have her as an "imaginary friend" from time to time.
Anyway - he told me that she goes with him to school sometimes and that she has been watching him practice the song for his School Christmas program. He said that she learned it really fast and she sings VERY LOUD. I told him that is because she is an angel and angels love music.
Who knows? Maybe she is there with him - when he needs her.

I love my boy and the faith, hope, and love he has for his Sister.


Heidi said...

Jeff and I love you very much and hope and pray for the 'bad days' to be minimal. We love you guys!

Jennie Stephens said...

OH Jenn, your little man is such a sweetie. He will always want his sister with him,and you will always want your daughter with you. There is good news....she is with you, FOREVER! I know it doesnt make the next 60 years easy, but it does give some hope, I do hope!

Lars said...

I'm sorry that your are hurting. I understand what it's like to have rough, mourning days...weeks especially around the holidays. It's hard, it hurts and it's 100% normal.

Hugs all around! We love your family!

Très Sucré said...

We're thinking about you too...

Jo Ann Paulin said...

Every 2nd and 4h of the month are reminders to me also. I think and pray for all of you as I know it is a reminder of the sad day that we lost Bailey. I feel sure Bailey is with Parker and kids at that age have a keen since of spirits and as we grow we loose that gift. I can't imagine your pain but I feel mine and I know how hard it is to experience this loss. I love you with all my heart and do know that "this too shall pass" and you will fill that hole in your heart with more love than you have ever imagined. You are a beautiful family and God has more good things instore for you. Sending you hugs and kisses! Mom/NanaJo

Michele said...

Love to you and the boys - Parker is definitely a special one!

Jen said...

I admire your strength and courage for getting through the tough times. No parent should have to go through this. You are a great mom to help your son through his grieving process. Best to you and your family.

Hagen's said...

Although sometimes we don't have the right words to say, please know that we are always thinking of you and aware of your feelings!
We are here for you for ANYTHING at all that we can do!Please don't hesitate to ask.
We love you and your family so much and can't imagine how difficult this must be!

webtech said...

I would not assume that she is an "imaginary" friend. Spirits of loved ones do seem to stay around during about the first year after their death - they want to comfort us and help us through the loss. If your son can feel her, that isn't a worrisome thing. I'd maybe talk to him about it, and find out what he means, and maybe explain a little about how his sister can be there sometimes, but not always, because she has a job to do also, so she'll need to go sometimes to do her job in heaven.

I've felt our Sidney near many times. Children don't question that - they haven't been "educated" out of it! :)

Chris may never "fix" the hole in his heart. That hole may always be there, and it may always be shaped just like Bailey. But eventually, the hole stops hurting so much, and just becomes part of who he is - and that bit of Bailey shaped heart becomes part of him. Jesus Christ can help that happen, and can help him get through the time that it takes for it to happen.

Bailey is still part of your family, and she is still working to do things that benefit your family. You just can't see her while she's doing her job.

Love and Prayers,