Today was the 2 month anniversary of Bailey's birth. It has been a very rough couple of days at our house. Parker came home from school the other day and told me that he never wanted to leave home because he is afraid that if he leaves that the rest of his family will die, Chris was mad at the World because he lost his precious baby daughter. He told me he has a hole in his heart and he doesn't know how to fix it. Unfortunately, neither do I. Meanwhile, I miss my darling daughter immensely. I was supposed to be able to shop for her this Christmas, to buy "girly" things, to have my baby to celebrate the Holidays. I have to keep telling myself - and reminding my family - Angels abound at Christmas time and we have our own.
Sorry to be such a "downer" but I felt that it was important to make sure that even the "bad days" are documented now and then. I have received so many emails from other Parents that have lost Children telling me that they read our blog often. I think people need to know that it is normal and ok to hurt. (At least this is what I am told.) Although our family really does try to be strong and has done fairly well, we recognize there are going to be those "bad days" too.
After having my long talk with Parker after school the other afternoon, he indicated that he needed to go see Bailey. I have never taken him back to the cemetary since the graveside service. I go weekly but usually go alone. We had already planned to go as a family next week to take a little Christmas Tree to put on her grave but he said he couldn't wait. As we were talking he kept saying "I just need to see her" and I realized that I probably needed to make it clear that he wouldn't see her in person. He said that he realized that and told me that he just needed to see her name or something. (Unfortunately we haven't had enough money to purchase a headstone yet but I did have the funeral home make us a temporary marker which is there - phew!) Anyway - we drove over and Parker had a talk with his Sister. He then talked to Bailey's "friend" (the grave next to her is a baby boy who died at 5 days old). Little did I know that he was going to "bring them home" with us. Once we had gotten back in the car to head home he started talking to both of them. Yes, it is very disturbing to me when he does this (he has done it a couple of times) but I have been told that it is normal for him to have her as an "imaginary friend" from time to time.
Anyway - he told me that she goes with him to school sometimes and that she has been watching him practice the song for his School Christmas program. He said that she learned it really fast and she sings VERY LOUD. I told him that is because she is an angel and angels love music.
Who knows? Maybe she is there with him - when he needs her.
I love my boy and the faith, hope, and love he has for his Sister.
4 years ago