It's just "stuff"

I have to say that this is one post that it is probably good I waited a day or so before posting.
As many of you know, it has always been important to me that something .. anything .. is on Bailey's grave at all times. I don't like to think of it bare. I used to go AT LEAST once a week .. then cut it down to weekly .. and then every other week. However, since Christmas, I have had a very hard time going at all. It has been a rough few months for me "Bailey-wise" and I just haven't felt like I wanted to deal with it. Well, I finally decided it was time for me to go and take her Christmas wreath down, check on her, and leave her a little Valentine.
I stopped by the other day and upon pulling up was not suprised that the wreath and its hanger were missing. I figured it was my own fault for waiting so long and that they had probably just cleared the grave. However, as I walked up and stood there looking at her headstone I realized that there were more things missing. Her little snowman family that I left all winter last year and then took home for summer and returned again this winter was gone. Her basket with the bunny that my Sister had taken for her (again, been there since last Easter) was gone. I was so upset. Again, I thought that maybe they had just cleared the grave. Yet they had left the other pot that my Sister had made? I doubt that. Then the warning came back to me from when we were picking her headstone. We were warned not to pick the "copper" or more expensive built-in vases because people steal them and turn them in at the recylcing place for money. I had heard stories of people stealing flowers but really didn't think it would happen. However, I believe that is what happened this time. I believe that someone took the few little things I had left there for my Bailey. I was angry. Why would someone do that? What is the point? Did they need it for their loved ones grave? Honestly, I hope so. That would make me feel much better than to think that they were just thrown away.
Like I said .. I was very angry so it is probably good that it , took me a day or two to write this post. Why? Because I have had time to realize that ... "it's just stuff". Yes, to me it represents my love for my sweet daughter. Having something there at all times makes me feel that she is loved, that someone remembers her, that she is not forgotten. But does the "stuff" really make that love more real? No, I am sure that she knows how very loved she is no matter what. She was loved by so many people even before her birth. She touched peoples lives in ways that are unimaginable for a baby who lived just under 3 days - people that never even met her - people that never even met us. Her story has touched many. She will not be forgotten.
I love you sweet, Bailey.
(P.S. I still don't want you to take her "stuff"! HA HA - OK, I'm still a protective Mommy.)

Christmas

Hello my sweet little girl -
I went to visit you last week and take you your Christmas gift. It seems so unfair that I am running around everywhere spending money and finding the perfect toys, games, books, clothes, etc for your brothers and all I can give you is a Christmas wreath. Not only a Christmas wreath, but I have to make sure it is one that will live in the freezing cold, snow, and wind - outside. I should be buying you pretty little dresses, bows for your hair, baby dolls, and puzzles. I should be making sure you are warm and happy. I miss you my baby Bailey. I hope you know how very much I love you and that, although I don't get to spoil you now, you have all the love in my heart. Hopefully that is the best Christmas gift of all.
I love you, Bai!
Mommy

Angel Friends

I have been so blessed to meet some amazing women in my life. Some through their service and friendship to me as we have ventured through "Bailey's Journey", others who have experienced their own journeys and loss of their loved little ones. Through this I have realized how very lucky I am to know that my sweet little girl is in the company of some AMAZING "Angel Friends". I saw this story and thought of that .. I know she is loved - here on Earth and in her new home in Heaven.

* Best Angel Friends * - Author Unknown
A beautiful little angel showed up to Heaven's gates.
Confused and unknowing the plan that for him awaits.
Then another little angel walked up and took his hand and said, "Please don't be sad you left, you're in the Promised Land."
"I'm glad to be here but I do not think I was to go. Perhaps there was a mistake, for my mommy wanted me so."
The little greeting angel gave a sweet smile and said, "My mommy wanted me too, but to Heaven I was led. You see, we do not get to choose when on Earth it's time to go. He gave us life, love and joy and a mother's womb to grow. The Lord still needs new angels to guide them down on earth. To watch over, comfort them, and help them see their worth."
"Is there still a way that I can sleep in my mommy's bed?"
The greeting angel grinned and said, "That luxury you'll keep. I visit my mommy nightly and softly sing her to sleep."
The little angel replied, "Then I think I'll like it here. I'll visit my mommy nightly and weaken her pain and fears. I love her and will keep her safe at night and in between; and let her know with a sweet memory that she is still with me."
The greeting angel gave her new friend a big hug and said, "Until our mommy's meet us here, let's be best angel friends."
"Okay," said the new angel, "that sounds good to me."
Then the angels sat and played keeping their mommy's in sight, humming the tunes to the song they would sing to their mommy's tonight...

8 Months.

Happy Birthday my sweet little Princess.

It has been 8 months today since you passed away. As always, I have been wondering what you would be doing now. It is so hard for me to remember when certain milestones are.
I have been thinking about you all week .. thinking about how you would have already been 8 months old on Tuesday .. how time flies!
Tonight, as I had been thinking about you all day, I saw a little girl at the table next to us in the restaurant while I was at dinner with my co-workers. I asked how old she was and, of course ... 8 months. She was so cute. The Mom proceeded to tell me how her latest "trick" was the "Uh Oh Game". She would throw her binky on the floor and then look from Mom to Dad to whoever was around and say "Uh Oh" "Uh Oh" until someone would pick it up for her. She did this numerous times .. it was so cute.
Her Mommy gave her a plate of broken up bites of breadstick to munch on and she LOVED it as she gummed them to death.
Now I know what you would be doing .. you would be enjoying munching on "baby bites" of food and learning new words and sounds.


I miss you my sweet little Princess. Have fun with all of your Angel Friends and know that Mommy never never forgets you.
I love you my beautiful baby!

Things are looking up ...

As many of you know, I tried to get Parker into some counseling shortly after Bailey died only to be told that all of the groups that we had been referred to had LONG (like over a year long) waiting lists. I put him on all of them and decided that I would work with him on my own. It seemed to be working .. for the most part. However, as you know from my last post ... it seems that the "Mom counseling" isn't working as well as I thought. Because of this I decided to go back to trying to get him into some additional programs. I just told myself I was going to do it if I had to drive somewhere and walk in and sit there until I could talk to someone (I've had trouble getting people to return calls). Well .. I think we have some really good leads for some counselors. I talked to a few on the phone who were VERY helpful and anxious to see him. They emailed me a whole bunch of info and he will start seeing them one on one until the next group session starts. Also, we have applied to several different locations of "Camp Erin" for this Summer and he is SO excited. Last, but not least, we also met with the School Counselor to let her know what was going on and she is going to meet with him once a week until School is out for the Summer just to check in with him and see if he needs to talk about anything. (He had his first appointment with her on Thursday - I had forgotten - and he came home from School with the biggest smile on his face and telling me how great his day was! First time THAT has happened in a LONG time! YAY!)
Phew! What a relief! It has taken time but maybe I will get my happy boy back again after all. I sure miss his smiles.
I love you, Parker!

For those of you that are looking for resources for the siblings of your Angel, here are links to a few that we have worked with or looked into:
* Caring Connections - University of Utah College of Nursing http://nursing.utah.edu/practice/caringconnections/index.html
* The Sharing Place http://www.thesharingplace.org/
* Camp Erin http://www.camperin.org

Bad Day

Well, this is another one of those posts that you write but don't post and then you reread it and still don't post and then you wait some more and then finally decide to post. Why? Because putting yourself and your emotions out there is SCARY! However, I have said before that it was reading others blogs about their bad days and their "not so perfect" lives that make me realize that things are ok and it is ok to not be "perfect" and so ... I will do the same for others.

This past week was the worst week I have had since Bailey died. Nothing in particular and no special anniversary or date .. just a bad week. Everything I did I thought about her, I kept looking at her picture and seeing how beautiful she was and wondering what she would look like now and what she would be doing now. And, most of all, the biggest thing that is really, really bothering me .. does she even know who I am? Does she know I am her Mommy and that I love her so very much?!?!?!!
I know that I will be with my sweet Bailey again someday and I tell my boys all the time that she loves them and is watching over them. However, does she really know who we are? I mean .. she was only alive for 2 1/2 days and, during that time, she never even opened her eyes and looked at me. How can she know me? How can she know I am her Mommy? I know she knew my voice. I carried her for 9 months and I know she recognized my voice because she would turn her head when I would talk to her in the NICU but, still, how can she love me?

To top off the week of sadness and tears - on the plane on the way home on Friday I sat with a lady with an adorable little girl on one side (yes, I asked how old she was and yes, she was just a little younger than Bailey would be) and a girl who looked about 7 months pregnant on the other. Normally I deal with this ok. However, the little girl absolutely LOVED me .. and she was ADORABLE! She kept wanting to play with me. She kept reaching for me. She kept talking and smiling at me. This is a good thing, right? Not when I am having one of "those" days. I loved her and sat there with tears streaming as I watched her - so very cute! (Again, one of those "I don't want to ruin her day" things so I am sure she wondered why I was crying while looking at her little girl. No, lady, I am not psycho .. I PROMISE!)
Fast forward to landing .. I turn on my cell phone to check for messages between flights and it starts ringing the second I turn it on. It was Parker's School. Sparing you all the details let's just say that he had a "Bailey meltdown" at School. Apparently it was a bad week for him, as well. He has had his moments in the past but I really thought that he was getting better. However, this one was pretty bad to the point that the Teacher was quite upset. Parker said some pretty disturbing things and really just broke down and started crying and acting out and all I could think of was how could I get home faster than by plane!!!!

All in all, we all had a bad week. Granted, I had been out of town for two weeks for work and Chris had to go for 2 days this week, as well. My boys were taken very well care of by family and they LOVE them. But change is hard for all of us. I guess we had enough over the last year - we like our lives to stay the same now ... so we can predict and "own" what happens.
Things will get better .. I know this. But it is so hard. Hard to always be positive and say that everything will be ok. On top of me trying to deal with my own feelings I need to protect my boys. How can I help Parker when he is on the "waiting list" at 3 different counseling agencies and has been since last October? How can I help him when I have to be out of town for work to pay the mountain of bills that we have accumulated? How can I help him when I can't even help myself?
It will get better .. and we will have good posts soon! :)

Church

PREFACE: LONNNNNG, rambly posting. I apologize in advance - just trying to put some thoughts down and they are somewhat jumbled. However, I felt it was important to share .. good with the bad, remember? :)

Isn't it weird how sometimes the place you think you would be the most at peace, the happiest, the most comfortable can bring on such different emotions?
Ever since Bailey died our whole family has struggled with going to Church. Not because we no longer believe .. not because we don't want to be there .. not because we don't know it is a place of love and comfort where we can be close to our Father in Heaven ... why then? Because we struggle with keeping our emotions "in check". We ABSOLUTELY know that it is because of our faith and beliefs that we were able to get through our trials knowing that we will, one day, be with our sweet Bailey again. We KNOW how much our Heavenly Father loves us. We KNOW that Bailey is watching over us and we will all be together again as an eternal family some day. It is probably these beliefs that make it so hard for us as we sit in Church each week. We know that we are loved unconditionally and that is probably why we are overcome with so many emotions when we are there. We try to be strong all the time. We try not to show our emotions or let the tears flow "in public". However, I find myself sitting in Sacrament Meeting with tears streaming down my face every week. It has been especially hard over the last month or two because I find myself sitting there with tears streaming either alone or with just Caleb - not with all of my "boys". Although we ALL know that we need to be there to once again be with Bailey, we struggle. I have made it a point to go every week - no matter how hard. I just finally decided that I didn't have to "hide" my emotions and if I sat there crying, I sat there crying. So that's what I do. Parker, on the other hand, decided that his solution was to not go. I knew he was struggling and, deep down, I even knew the reason. So I asked him why he didn't want to go one day. He said he LOVED his Teachers and he LOVES his Heavenly Father and he knows that Church is where he should be but that going to Church makes him think of Bailey and it made him too sad. I tried to talk to him about it and explain that Church is where Bailey would want him to be. But how do I explain and make him WANT to be there when I struggle with the same things? So .. I let him stay home. It seems we have finally gotten over that "hump" - at least for now - and he has started going willingly again after missing several weeks but I know that he will continue to struggle from time to time. When discussing this with Chris he said to me "If we all have such a hard time, why do we go every week?". Why? The answer is this .. it is part of healing. It is hard for us to be there because we feel our Heavenly Fathers love. It is ok to be sad there .. to show our feelings .. we don't have to be "strong" there and we will make it through. To be together as an eternal family and be with our Bailey again - we need to continue to show our Heavenly Father how much we love Him and continue to learn about the Gospel.

This years "theme" in Primary (Youth organization in our Church) is "My Eternal Family". Chris and I are Teachers and the boys are in Primary so we are all learning and remembering one of the great principles we believe in our Church - that we will all be together as a family even after we leave this Earth if we live the way we are supposed to and follow our Father in Heaven. Although you would think this would be a comforting thing for us, it can be tough at times. It is a constant reminder that we are here on earth without our sweet Bailey. Yes, we believe we will see her again .. but that will be years from now - that is still a hard thing. We are very grateful to know what we know and believe what we believe. Chris said it best shortly after Bailey died when he told me that he didn't think there was any way he would be able to make it through what we had without the knowledge of Eternal Families. And that is what we need to remember ...